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Amazing business opportunities

I've got some brilliant ideas for side gigs to help support my writing; let me tell you. They're all things I came up with at work, which should tell you right away they're completely mental, because I  judge Internet search queries for *BLEEEEEEP*.

That being said

My first idea snowballed out of a query for a terrible STD -- I'm not going to name it, because none of you want to see it. But the idea is -- since I've judged countless pictures of countless diseases (CONDOMS are your friends, people) -- I could be the underground icky-bumps-and-scabs analyst helping sex addicts avoid embarrassing trips to the doctor. All I need is a lifetime supply of antibiotics ... 

Next up -- penis-shaped packing peanuts. There's a market for them. SERIOUSLY. People look for penis-shaped everything -- cake pans, dog toys, slippers, thermoses, pillows and more. If I have my way everyone will pack their valuables in cushiony biodegradable tally whackers.  

What I'd really like to do is invent a device that will punch you in the face when you enter a stupid query in a search engine. For example -- you type "What kind of body piercing should I get?" BAM -- your nose is broken. "How do I have sex?" BAM -- you swallowed your teeth. "What does Brigitte Nielsen look like?" BAM -- you have a concussion. 

Every punch would trigger a .25 cent deposit in my off-shore bank account, and I'd become a millionaire overnight. 


  1. I have penis shaped pasta. It is more recognizable before it is cooked.


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