Insecure writer's support group

Listening to the radio on my way to work this morning I learned that Internet Use Addiction was recently added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, which got me thinking -- perhaps there's a writing addiction disorder.

If the clinical definition of addiction is any compulsive behavior that interferes with your life and relationships -- I'm definitely an addict. 

It's a wonderful scapegoat -- addiction. 

When I finally lose it and shave my head and burn down my house and crash my car into the gun range clubhouse, I can blame it on my writing addiction -- "I'm sorry officers. I was suffering from writing withdrawals. It's a real thing -- look it up in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders."

I feel like a fraud these days calling myself a "writer." I don't write; I think about it all day while I'm busy with other crap, and when I finally get home and lock myself away to put words into sentences with periods and commas and quotation marks nothing happens -- or nothing good happens. I'm sure my family considers the door slamming, hair pulling and loud swearing SOMETHING.

But similar to coming off of cigarettes, alcohol, heroin or crack cocaine -- I feel anxious, delusional, nauseous, homicidal and depressed if I go too long without writing. 

"I'm itching for a pen and paper -- and a 40-sack of verbs -- F yeah. Hook me up, dude."

That would be something -- if I met with shady characters in dark assault-me alleys to purchase writing time. It works for druggies. And what honest-to-god druggie doesn't have a buttload of crazy stories to wow strangers on buses or long-lost relatives at family reunions they -- the druggies -- weren't technically invited to? 

Ermahgerd! It's like totally brilliant. I'll scuzz on the streets for a while, and my family will force me into treatment -- I've seen it on A&E's Intervention. I could write a novel in a treatment facility or at least catch up on my blog. I'd have to invent something stronger than a writing addiction to get into treatment obviously -- buy a junky's pee and fake withdrawal symptoms. 

I did drama in college -- I can pull off tremors and cold sweats no problem.

* The Insecure Writer's Support Group: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!