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Steal my identity? You can have it!

Someone stole my identity last week to buy virus protection software from AVG -- $46.

The bank called to verify whether or not I made the purchase -- I hadn't used the card since early 2011, so the late-night transaction struck some awesome banker as peculiar (thank you, Conscientious Banker). I was't aware that I had $46 available to charge on that card, otherwise I'd have purchased something much more exciting than virus protection -- the premium protection package at least.

I wonder: what kind of genius is clever enough to access my account -- and then so stupid to use it, considering I owe more money than I'm worth? I can barely pay my bills. In fact I call my husband and the bank at lunch time to verify I have sufficient funds to purchase food, "I'm really hungry. Can I buy a sandwich?"

Money is so tight I turned to the "interesting" section of Craigslist to see about a shady job or scheme to supplement my income.

There were several opportunities, one involved a series of unfortunate scenarios based on old-school Nintendo games -- Super Mario Bros. and the Legend of Zelda. I was hoping for something more wholesome -- something that didn't require a towel and tetanus shot.

A listing caught my eye, "Jolly. Fit. Relaxed. 8'8" illegally evicted SGF looking for a room to rent (The "G" is for giant, though I do enjoy gay folks of all shapes and sizes)."

"My name is Gertrude, and I am a giant. I'm moving to Seattle, because I hate people, and everyone tells me 'you're so unpleasant; you should live in Seattle.' I was pleasant in Idaho until my neighbor had me evicted for arousing her husband, who apparently has a fetish for really tall women. I'm clean and fit, and nobody will rob you with a giant in the house.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests."

A giant? I pondered the benefits of housing a giant. If it happened some day that I couldn't pay my bills; having an 8'8" woman with calves like tree trunks and thighs like granite that could crush a repo man's head like an egg would be useful.

Gertrude moved in yesterday. She's already chased off three door-to-door salespeople; a popcorn-pedaling boy scout (that was unfortunate); a politician; and my parents (a couple of times).

Let this be a warning to all you wanna-be identity thieves: take my debt nicely, or Gertrude will ram it down your throat.


  1. 8'8"? Is this fictional? I don't remember Hilary being that tall, I couldn't speak to the description of the calves or thighs. I imagine she's good with kids and dogs.

  2. Good thing you were able to know all about it immediately. Thanks to the conscientious banker indeed! Anyway, you can opt to protect your identity in simple ways. You can shred your bills and financial statements. Also, like what you did, regularly check your bank statements and annual credit report to see if there are unusual activities or changes.

    Annie Valdez


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