Gimme MY MONEY

I almost didn't come home from work today -- not because I love my job or my home life is unsatisfying. It's just that so many things went so terribly wrong in eight hours that I feared I would die in a car crash.

To begin with, I didn't get paid -- my paycheck this week was NEGATIVE-$20.90. Every penny I earned (plus 2,090 pennies I didn't earn) was deducted for medical and dental premiums -- "congratulations your benefit enrollment form was processed!" This would get an "awe shucks" under normal circumstances, because I work for medical insurance and milk money. But seeing as Jerod is owed somewhere in the neighborhood of $11,000 for work he's done since February; my negative-balance paycheck that will carry over into next week was received with something more colorful than "awe shucks."

Before the folks at payroll explained the situation, I convinced myself that some hacker cleverly usurped my paycheck before it reached the bank. I have no idea how these things work -- "direct deposit" in my mind looks like a pipeline connecting employer to bank. I imagine shady characters -- in trench coats lined with fake Rolex watches -- snatching people's paychecks out of the air with butterfly nets. The customer service representative I spoke to at the bank assured me that such a scenario was quite impossible.

"Then tell me where my check is," I demanded.

"I'm sorry Ms. Bacharach, we have no record of any checks being deposited into your account. Is there anything else I can assist ..."

"CLICK"

Next I called Jerod and jotted down our on-line banking information so I could monitor the situation throughout the day. I must have entered something wrong, because the screen flashed red and a message popped up that someone was trying to access our information -- "This account has been locked to protect your information. Please answer the following security questions and enter the social security number of your mother's father's brother's wife's mother. You will also need your original user-ID and password to reset your on-line banking account."

F**K

My heart bleeds almost as liberal as the bloodiest lefties' on the social spectrum -- I like paying taxes and looking out for our most vulnerable citizens -- but I can't say I favor this work-for-free lifestyle that my husband and I have adopted. I think it's rather stupid, and -- considering it's not something Jerod or I entered into by choice -- I think it's a lot of G*D DAM**D BULL SH*T.

I want my $11,000.